it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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