I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
