The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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