You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
