I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
