he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
