Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just gift wrapped bread.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
