Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
