I just saw a hot homeless man
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
