i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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