i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I skipped work to stalk him.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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