So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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