whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
