I am spending my child support on dildos
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
