I'm drive I can fine osifer
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
