He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
