"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
