I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
