Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
