literally had 100 drinks last night.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
