You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
