Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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