I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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