I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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