So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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