I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
