Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
