i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
