I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
