I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
