I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him