Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
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I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.