You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We have started to decorate penises.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
