I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
