i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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