At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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