he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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