that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
