After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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