Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
