I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
