she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
