his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
