alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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