If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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