The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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