i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
