wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
