I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
