My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
