I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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