Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
