Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
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