You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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