I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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