no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
