I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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