Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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