I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
