I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
