I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
