The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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